Dallas (Wednesday)
In addition to graciously hosting us for two nights in Austin, Tara and John also gave us some sort-of-solicited feedback about our plan to spend Wednesday in Dallas.
John: “Dallas is a shit hole.”*
Us: “Are you sure? What about Deep Ellum? We heard that was a cool bar/nightlife district…”
John: “I mean, yeah, if you want to buy crack and bang a toothless stripper.”
Us: “What about museums or…”
John: “Shit hole.”
Us: “So… there’s nothing worthwhile to do or see in Dallas?”
John: “Nope.”
*Full disclosure: I’ve taken some creative liberties with our exact dialogue. The gist, however, remains the same.
So with no small amount of trepidation we set out Wednesday morning for the 7 hour drive to Shit Hole, TX. Allison wanted to meet an old friend for coffee, so I immediately started Yelp-ing nail salons. Let’s face it, mama needed a mani-pedi. Sidebar: Yelp has been our single greatest asset on this trip. I may even consider writing reviews of my own. You know, to pay it forward.
(Probably won’t do that.)
Yelp recommended La Nail Salon in downtown Dallas so, as the other ladies retired to a bookstore, I sat down in a massage chair and blissed out with the following:
1. Unlimited wine. The owner was literally forcing glasses on me. Yeah, so it wasn’t good wine – I tasted notes of plastic bag – but free booze is free booze.
2. Extended leg lovin’. My technician scoured me with a sugar scrub, slathered on a minty lotion, and wrapped my legs in hot towels (Yep, plural. None of that one-washcloth-to-cover-both-of-my-enormous-calves BS.) Then, she gave me a hot stone massage on my legs and feet.
3. FREE paraffin hand wax. She just sprung it on me like it won’t nothin’.
4. While my hands were wrapped in their baggies of hot wax, the technician came around behind me, lubed up her hands, and massaged my shoulders, neck, and scalp for ten (10) entire minutes.
5. After my 1.5 hours of pampering were complete and I had a respectable mid-day buzz, she told me that my total would be… $36. I was flabbergasted. I would move to Dallas simply to get mani-pedis every other day from this Vietnamese angel.
After Allison and Stacey picked me up (and kicked themselves for missing out on the world’s best mani-pedi experience for under $50), we hopped on the M line, a free trolley that runs through downtown Dallas. In anticipation of our arrival to their fair city, it seems that Dallas officials found Billy Bob Thornton, convinced him to revive his character from Sling Blade, and taught him to drive a trolley. I restrained myself from asking our trolley driver to say, “I killed Doyle Hargraves with a lawn mower blade…” but I maintain to this day that he would’ve done a damn good impression. Or he would’ve had no idea what the hell I was talking about. One or the other.
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| Cruisin' on the M Line |
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| Wheee! |
Anyway, we cruised through the city center and listened to Billy Bob tell us about all the new construction and average rents for 1 bedroom condos. And then my diabetes kicked in – which, despite the best efforts of My Mother the Hypochondriac, is not a true diagnosis, but merely a last-ditch explanation for my frequent peeing, constant thirst and insatiable appetite – and we escaped the Sling Blade Express in search of dinner.
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| Cutesy fountain on our trek towards dinner. |
Once again, Yelp didn’t disappoint: Si Tapas, a charming little Spanish tapas restaurant, represents the most delicious food I’ve ingested in months. We started off with a ginormous pitcher of sangria (if only all meals started that way…) and ordered a slew of life-changing small plates. The icing on the proverbial cake? All three of us were tipsy and stuffed-to-the-rafters full for $85. That, my friends, is a value and a half.
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Fried okra with curry |
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I could eat those tomato-and-queso-de-Cabrales bruscettas for the rest of my days. |
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Broiled asparagus and cracked-pepper tuna |
At this point, we realized that we were homeless. During a rousing game of Words With Friends the previous day, I had seen an ad for an app called Hotel Tonight. As you might assume from the name, it offers super-value rates on hotel rooms booked for use tonight. If you ever succumb to the call of the open road, or find yourself a nomad for any other reason, I highly recommend it. We chose a Baymont Suites by DFW Airport for $45 a night.
Driving up the frontage road to our hotel, we saw a welcoming lavender glow… and realized that our hotel was snuggled right next door to The Gentlemen’s Club. (When I went into the foyer to check in, I considered asking whether our $45 rate was indeed nightly, or just for the hour.) To our great surprise, the hotel was GORGEOUS: two plush queen beds, an enormous flat-screen TV, microwave and fridge… What else could a girl want? To celebrate our good luck, we decided to throw down in the room with an episode of Jersey Shore and a bottle of rum. ‘Cuz that’s how ballers do it. BOOSH!
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